I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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