Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize