I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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