I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
