too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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