My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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