I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
