Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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