Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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