my vag is so smooth its legendary
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
