Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
