Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
