1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
