Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
