I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
