Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
