Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
