So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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