im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
