Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
