I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize