The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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