I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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