There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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