Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
