In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
