Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
