he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
