so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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