1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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