Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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