im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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