he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
