let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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