i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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