I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
