dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
