remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
