2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just tell him i said nine months
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
