Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
