He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
