my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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