Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
