You just made me feel so damn special
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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