wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
