Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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