he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
