jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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