god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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