So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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