I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
