I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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