the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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