I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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