I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
