We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize