There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
