omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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