Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We don't watch enough power rangers
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
