How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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