We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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