I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize