Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
