A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize