Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
