wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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